TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from place. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A different area exactly where American Adult males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer Everybody a set on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he must prevent applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a attribute being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are unsure what to help Trump Tower Damascus make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They can Appear"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting notice from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will likely include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort wherever my PTSD can have turn-down company."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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